Violence and poverty are no stranger to me. It has followed me most of my life.
When I was really little, my mom was on drugs. Her new husband abused me. After he tried to break into the house to kill my mom, my sister and I went to live with my grandmother on the farm. We were 3 and 4. It was great. There was a routine, structure and no lice or violence. But when my mom became sober, she filed for custody. I was 11 and my sister 10 when we had to go back and live with her.
I found myself totally unsupervised. Mom really didn’t have time for us. She was still smoking weed and gave it to me. She wanted to be more like my good friend. When I was 16, she let my 20-year-old boyfriend move in with me at the house. He wasn’t the best man, but he wasn’t the worst. I thought I would be with him forever when I became pregnant at 17. However, when our daughter was just an infant, he was dangerously inappropriate with her. I knew I had to get her away from him.
I started dating my teenage sweetheart who lived in the trailer next to me. His parents lived on the other side of me in another trailer. I felt safe with him. He quickly stepped up to help me. I became co-dependent on him. I had no job, no money and was carrying his baby. The first two years were great until we started arguing about money.
I didn’t know he was using drugs until I caught him one day using methadone. That’s also when the domestic violence became a part of our lives. I started using as well. There was so much violence going on between us that we lost the kids. My daughters witnessed my beatings and black eyes. I will never forgive myself for letting them see me horribly and frighteningly dope sick.
I was trying to live a better life than my mom for the sake of my children, but I wasn’t successful. Drugs, abandoning my two daughters, living in a trap house and shooting heroin. I lost everyone’s trust. I never thought I could get my kids back again. I felt so shameful, angry and guilty. I wanted sobriety, but I didn’t know how to get it. It is only one half of the equation. I lacked the tools and support.
I heard about Amethyst and started trying to get into the program. I thought it was my best shot! I put all my effort into getting admitted. What they do at Amethyst fits all of my needs. Everyone can be successful if they receive the right help. Once I moved in I started attending all my groups and meetings. I knew I couldn’t do it by myself. Sobriety is the absence of using a stimulant, but to stay clean and truly be in recovery you must have a healthy mind and a sense of spirituality. At Amethyst you can feel the care, compassion and individualized help for each person.
I was not even a person before I came to Amethyst. Amethyst is my best shot. They are helping me to get my children back too. I am not alone in this. Other people made it and so can I!